#21

It's happening every time after a trip with people.
Everything seems so unreal after came back to the usual lifestyle.

I was under the same roof with them;
But now I am alone.

I was too busy to chat with them;
But now I have no one to talk to.

I was not worrying the time that I got to go to the bed;
But now I have to.

I was laughing, chatting or even playing with them;
But now I am only able to revise the scene,
and listen to the bugs' growl.

Especially with CFC,
the feeling is so strong,
that even I had my rest last night 8pm until 9am on the next day,
I woke up in the midnight, hoping that I was still with them;
that even right now, at this moment, I still can listen to their voices.

It's always that both happiness and bitterness fueling my mind after a trip with them,
happy, cause we've met and enjoy; bitter, cause we've to say goodbye in the end.
It might be the last trip that we'll go together.

I do love the moment that we spent together;
but I do not love the feeling of being alone after a trip.
Equivalent trade perhaps.
A same quality of happiness come with a same quality of bitterness.

I would never regret meeting you all.
Thank you.

#20

Pictures. 

I don't really appear in them.
But when I did, it means I wished to make memories in solid form.
or at least something that I can recall not only from memory, but sight.
I don't rely on my memorizing skill to remember things.
But when I did, it means those moments are times where I  recall always.
or something that caused damage to myself.

Growing older also increases those precious moments.
Whenever there's something new introduced to me, it take times for me to determine,
if it's important for me,
or simply it's just something that I can ignore it.
if I want to keep them into the folder in both my computer and brain,
or simply just forget them after awhile.
I do not know, until I loses them.
Or when I'm regret.

Pets.

There was 1 pet of mine which I will think about him/her sometimes.(maybe more than 1 but I can't remember.)
It's a fish. More precisely, a betta fish.
It has been my first ever pet since August. and only lives for 3 months.
He(prefer he to be he as he's quite aggressive.) has been brought to the carnival with a her.(she's quiet, so..)
Later, they were settled at 2 different places along with 2 different kind of owner.
They lives.
He staring at him always, bouncing around the water when he feeds Him.
He's aggressive.
She's quiet. Feedback from her.
I missed the moment where I first saw the bubble nest.
Google tells me that it's the sign of happiness. or ready to get a life partner(ignore this please.)
I remembered how happy am I, sharing the joy with others. Swear to take a good care of He.
Google tells me that they can live up to 3 years. I dreamed about exciting I will be after 3 years,
and He meets Her
and I meet her.
Yet, both of them died after 3 months.
She dead before Him.
I allowed the dead body stay in my room for 3 days. Until His eye turns white. His body started to decompose.
Then only say goodbye to Him.

There's also a so-called my pet exists in a few days ago.
It's a female dog. Well, she's small but cute(Pn Irni's definition came to my mind.)
Whenever I sit down or lying on the hanging bed, she will climb up to my leg LOL.
As she did that, I feel her body's warmth.
Her heart's beating.
Her body's warmth.
Penetrate through my body into my heart.
Aww so that's how it feels when there's a bond built between a pet and an owner.

Lifes.

What a big difference of lifes between pre and post graduate.
The only thing that have to worry is studies during pre graduate.
While more things came to us after graduate.
Job searching. Time spending. Negative thinking.
All came together and clamped up like a paper and I have to flatten them back.
Of course, I failed it. Stuck at middle of everything yet I don't know where to start, or what to do.
Planning to write a resume but don't know how to write.
Planning to spend time wisely but still fooling around.
Planning to think positively but yet negative thought planted deeply in my mind.
I took an action before I went back to flatten the paper,
which is writing a post, about what's on my thought.
Trying to stay alive.

Peoples.
Met with different friends and different thought were found.
There's a group, where we were gossiping about people who are buried in my memory on day before Christmas.
There's a group, where we were enjoying the last big group gathering on the 2nd day of Christmas.
I heart the 2nd group more. I feel so life-ly when I am with them, at the same time I feel lonely too.
The joys. The moments. The laughter.
It's the only time where I felt my existence is so much compared to previous times.
I am kind of people who others usually will firstly leftout, or swipe from their memory.
I hope this time won't. Or else I don't know what I can do to prove my existence.
The deeper part of myself says it.

#19

There are more and more.
Feelings are clumped together in my mind.
I wish to express it to someone,
but I found out there is no one to.

What I really wish is not comfort from the people,
but appreciation on what I had done for.
I don't hope for much,
but just a little happiness.
I wish someone will share their stories with me,
share their happiness, sadness, excitements with me.

I don't mind staying alone at popular for 4 hours.
Because I knew that I am waiting for someone, a company.
I loved the time where we were together,
more than what you expected.
You don't know how desperate am I looking for company,
just because I am alone almost all the time.
I am so scared of silence environment, especially when I was alone.

Save me. 

Call my name and save me from the dark.

-Evanescence - Bring Me To Life-

#18

18.
Such a special number that had brought me to different world.

I knew new friends, experienced new things, and
having a new aim.

I tried to get closer to you.
I started to study more, listening to english song,
learned to think as how you think, liked the things that you like.
All those things I did is just to get closer to you,
even though we are still far apart from each other.

I enjoyed the moment.
Your phobia towards the caterpillar, your excitement towards the betta fishes,
and your smile.

You told me you don't know who's your best friend,
I wished to answer I am.
I told you no one will understand what's on my thought,
I hoped you to answer I am.
You told me we are so similar,
I wish we are.
I really do.

 

#17

It's been awhile that I had this feeling.

The feeling that makes me gasping for air,
my mood is so down,

everything seems avoiding me,
even my friends.

I had tried to suppress my emotions,
but unfortunately I failed this time.
Every happiness in my mind, my memory
turns against me.

They made me felt that they are so unreal,
all the things that I went through was just a dream.

I was so desperate,
for a care, a hug or even a smile from my friends.
I need it cause I can't hold myself much longer.

There is always a reason for me to remain silent the whole day.

And it is always our friendship.
Or someone else.

My friends.
Please. Come to me. Don't let me down once again.
I need a place to comfort myself.

#16

Happy Birthday.
An early birthday wish for someone special.

We knew each other for 7 years,
and
I put you in my heart for 3 years.

You are so special, so kind.
There were too much things that words can't describe,
only feelings will do.

Wish you have a blast for your last teen's birthday.

(:

#15

I love my classmates, but sometime I hate them too.

There were few times that when I am planning a trip,
when I asked for suggestions or ideas, no one reply me.
I asked over and over again, then only few of them gave responses.

Later, when the progress reached 70-80%,
here comes the comments from them.
-yer dun wan la, there so sien.
-wa so expensive.
-I go before ady la, not fun de la.
-yer this yer that.
I often get mad with this kind of things,
initially I asked for suggestions, no one cares,
until everything almost done, then only comment.
Some cases are even worse, after I explained everything infront,
not even a blink of eyes,
some people ask questions regarding to things that I had explained.

When I plan, you don't give a damn to me,
When the plan done, you give a lot of comment.
When I explain, you don't give a damn to me,
When the explanation done, you ask me to explain again.

Is that all?
Unfortunately, no.

There are some people in my class are so annoying.
They asked me something that answer is in front of them.
For example,
I am passing a namelist about retaking sem 1 exam,
then someone holding the namelist, without looking at it,
then asked me what is this for.
Hello, on the top of the paper already wrote what is it about,
can't you just see through it before you ask me any questions?
And I did told you all what was it before I passed it to you all.

Next,

I dislike people touch me when they are talking.
I meant, you talk to me, I ok,
but what for you keep touching me while you are talking?
can't you just talk like that?
I don't like it.