#13

Getting more and more emotional recently.
I was noticed that I don't really belongs to the group.
And a chain reaction occur.
Which brings me deeper to my own heart.

There were few peoples who I realized,
were treating me great initially.
But now, they aren't there anymore.

I missed those times.
Where they will find me for chatting,
but not one-side-effort on building relationship.

There are no one now,
who will find me for some conversation.
Everything is one-side-effort.
I felt so tired.
And not all of them appreciate it.
I mean in the senses that,
treating me as a friend like how i treated them.

Looking at previous MsN chat log,
how can I being so childish,
ruins our relationship with it.

I just need someone to really bring me up,
or else i guess i will continue falls into a deeper hole,
I couldn't imagine how it will be.

As I saw her status,
You Are My Everything.
I stunned. Perhaps being in different class make us further.
I miss the time where we were in form 5,
sitting infront of you,
thinking of how can I make you to like me.
The time where I can see her everyday,
talk with her everyday,
love(?) her everyday.
Well, It was a past.
But thanks to this, I knew that in the inner part of my heart,
you are still exist.

#12

A gift, from someone special.
I wonder why she gave me that,
but I am so happy.
So happy.

It's rare for me to receive gift from others,
even a birthday gift.
But it's always an exceptional,
which colors our life.

I still can remember how it goes.

She asked me follow her.
To the office. Then she went inside.
She came out with a recycle bag,
passing me that bag,
and said,
''This is for you. I know you like music,
so I give u this music box.''

I stunned. I couldn't show any expression.
Speaking too..

She then praise me for being a good boy,
hoping for me to get a good result in STPM.

I said thank you.
Perhaps I got more things to say,
but it happen all in a sudden.
I was too shocked. and happy.

To Puan Tan,
Thank you. You are an awesome teacher. You cares about your students,
treat them like your child. Always bringing positive energy to the students.
I guess my mood is still not that stable until that happens.
You make me realized that there is someone who always cares about me.
I will appreciate the gift.

Perhaps in future people will ask why did I choose to join form 6?

I will answer sincerely,

To meet someone special, or more than one.

Who will brings you nearer to your dream. 

#11

My emotion are getting worse.
Although i didn't express it out,
but i can feel it in my body.
The inner self of mine wants attention from peoples.

I warn him,
'' Would you brave enough to face the peoples' hate towards you?''
He said,
'' As long as I can feel better, I don't mind what will happen in the future. ''
I said,
'' You are such a stupid. You know that's not gonna work. Let it go.''

He covers his ears with both hands, trying to be stubborn.
At the same time, he saw the picture that how the people stay away from us.
Sitting at far opposite side, not having any conversation in class, not having the usual lunch on friday,
anymore.

He then cries.

I took of my mask that I wore.
Scars found on my face. They are bleeding.
As I flipped over the mask, part of my skin were on it.

At this moment, I realized.
If you wear a mask for too long, your skin will combine with the mask,
replacing your face with the new mask.
And characteristic too. Especially emotion.

Being a clown for too long,
it's time to take a break.
I am mentally tired.

#10

I am annoying.
That's the reason people dislike me.
The only reason. Maybe?

I knew it so long time ago.
I always felt that, some of u all are always being ignored by other people.
Therefore, in order to make u all comfortable, i don't mind to become a clown.
I just wished that u will appreciate my effort...

Distance between us are getting further.
So do the group too.
It seems I am the extra one, the unwanted one.

What can I do now?
I have no idea. U all never understand how I felt now.
I am struggling between the option of being silent from now on,
or just be ignorant toward your action.

It's hurt. I tried so hard.
To become a friend of yours.
But, in the end,
results are always disappointing.

To be or not to be,
I still have to move on.