#20

Pictures. 

I don't really appear in them.
But when I did, it means I wished to make memories in solid form.
or at least something that I can recall not only from memory, but sight.
I don't rely on my memorizing skill to remember things.
But when I did, it means those moments are times where I  recall always.
or something that caused damage to myself.

Growing older also increases those precious moments.
Whenever there's something new introduced to me, it take times for me to determine,
if it's important for me,
or simply it's just something that I can ignore it.
if I want to keep them into the folder in both my computer and brain,
or simply just forget them after awhile.
I do not know, until I loses them.
Or when I'm regret.

Pets.

There was 1 pet of mine which I will think about him/her sometimes.(maybe more than 1 but I can't remember.)
It's a fish. More precisely, a betta fish.
It has been my first ever pet since August. and only lives for 3 months.
He(prefer he to be he as he's quite aggressive.) has been brought to the carnival with a her.(she's quiet, so..)
Later, they were settled at 2 different places along with 2 different kind of owner.
They lives.
He staring at him always, bouncing around the water when he feeds Him.
He's aggressive.
She's quiet. Feedback from her.
I missed the moment where I first saw the bubble nest.
Google tells me that it's the sign of happiness. or ready to get a life partner(ignore this please.)
I remembered how happy am I, sharing the joy with others. Swear to take a good care of He.
Google tells me that they can live up to 3 years. I dreamed about exciting I will be after 3 years,
and He meets Her
and I meet her.
Yet, both of them died after 3 months.
She dead before Him.
I allowed the dead body stay in my room for 3 days. Until His eye turns white. His body started to decompose.
Then only say goodbye to Him.

There's also a so-called my pet exists in a few days ago.
It's a female dog. Well, she's small but cute(Pn Irni's definition came to my mind.)
Whenever I sit down or lying on the hanging bed, she will climb up to my leg LOL.
As she did that, I feel her body's warmth.
Her heart's beating.
Her body's warmth.
Penetrate through my body into my heart.
Aww so that's how it feels when there's a bond built between a pet and an owner.

Lifes.

What a big difference of lifes between pre and post graduate.
The only thing that have to worry is studies during pre graduate.
While more things came to us after graduate.
Job searching. Time spending. Negative thinking.
All came together and clamped up like a paper and I have to flatten them back.
Of course, I failed it. Stuck at middle of everything yet I don't know where to start, or what to do.
Planning to write a resume but don't know how to write.
Planning to spend time wisely but still fooling around.
Planning to think positively but yet negative thought planted deeply in my mind.
I took an action before I went back to flatten the paper,
which is writing a post, about what's on my thought.
Trying to stay alive.

Peoples.
Met with different friends and different thought were found.
There's a group, where we were gossiping about people who are buried in my memory on day before Christmas.
There's a group, where we were enjoying the last big group gathering on the 2nd day of Christmas.
I heart the 2nd group more. I feel so life-ly when I am with them, at the same time I feel lonely too.
The joys. The moments. The laughter.
It's the only time where I felt my existence is so much compared to previous times.
I am kind of people who others usually will firstly leftout, or swipe from their memory.
I hope this time won't. Or else I don't know what I can do to prove my existence.
The deeper part of myself says it.

#19

There are more and more.
Feelings are clumped together in my mind.
I wish to express it to someone,
but I found out there is no one to.

What I really wish is not comfort from the people,
but appreciation on what I had done for.
I don't hope for much,
but just a little happiness.
I wish someone will share their stories with me,
share their happiness, sadness, excitements with me.

I don't mind staying alone at popular for 4 hours.
Because I knew that I am waiting for someone, a company.
I loved the time where we were together,
more than what you expected.
You don't know how desperate am I looking for company,
just because I am alone almost all the time.
I am so scared of silence environment, especially when I was alone.

Save me. 

Call my name and save me from the dark.

-Evanescence - Bring Me To Life-

#18

18.
Such a special number that had brought me to different world.

I knew new friends, experienced new things, and
having a new aim.

I tried to get closer to you.
I started to study more, listening to english song,
learned to think as how you think, liked the things that you like.
All those things I did is just to get closer to you,
even though we are still far apart from each other.

I enjoyed the moment.
Your phobia towards the caterpillar, your excitement towards the betta fishes,
and your smile.

You told me you don't know who's your best friend,
I wished to answer I am.
I told you no one will understand what's on my thought,
I hoped you to answer I am.
You told me we are so similar,
I wish we are.
I really do.

 

#17

It's been awhile that I had this feeling.

The feeling that makes me gasping for air,
my mood is so down,

everything seems avoiding me,
even my friends.

I had tried to suppress my emotions,
but unfortunately I failed this time.
Every happiness in my mind, my memory
turns against me.

They made me felt that they are so unreal,
all the things that I went through was just a dream.

I was so desperate,
for a care, a hug or even a smile from my friends.
I need it cause I can't hold myself much longer.

There is always a reason for me to remain silent the whole day.

And it is always our friendship.
Or someone else.

My friends.
Please. Come to me. Don't let me down once again.
I need a place to comfort myself.

#16

Happy Birthday.
An early birthday wish for someone special.

We knew each other for 7 years,
and
I put you in my heart for 3 years.

You are so special, so kind.
There were too much things that words can't describe,
only feelings will do.

Wish you have a blast for your last teen's birthday.

(:

#15

I love my classmates, but sometime I hate them too.

There were few times that when I am planning a trip,
when I asked for suggestions or ideas, no one reply me.
I asked over and over again, then only few of them gave responses.

Later, when the progress reached 70-80%,
here comes the comments from them.
-yer dun wan la, there so sien.
-wa so expensive.
-I go before ady la, not fun de la.
-yer this yer that.
I often get mad with this kind of things,
initially I asked for suggestions, no one cares,
until everything almost done, then only comment.
Some cases are even worse, after I explained everything infront,
not even a blink of eyes,
some people ask questions regarding to things that I had explained.

When I plan, you don't give a damn to me,
When the plan done, you give a lot of comment.
When I explain, you don't give a damn to me,
When the explanation done, you ask me to explain again.

Is that all?
Unfortunately, no.

There are some people in my class are so annoying.
They asked me something that answer is in front of them.
For example,
I am passing a namelist about retaking sem 1 exam,
then someone holding the namelist, without looking at it,
then asked me what is this for.
Hello, on the top of the paper already wrote what is it about,
can't you just see through it before you ask me any questions?
And I did told you all what was it before I passed it to you all.

Next,

I dislike people touch me when they are talking.
I meant, you talk to me, I ok,
but what for you keep touching me while you are talking?
can't you just talk like that?
I don't like it.

#14

I lost control, once again.

Isn't a big deal for me to spare effort to the class.
BUT, can't you help me? My strength are limited.
I can't do everything by myself, alone.

I was asking help from you all to cover the notice board,
no one volunteer. Until I had to pick people to do it.

I do understand exam is near, you all want to do revision,
but how about me?

After I raised my volume to pull attention,
hoping to get help from you guys.
The results are disappointing.
only 3 people who volunteered themselves.

Later, 1 of the other class people came and brings the broom
from right corner of class to left corner.
I was securing the cupboard and most of them are sitting and studying.

As the time when I trying to take the broom out of the class,
I heard someone is calling my name over and over again.
I was so frustrated and lost control.
I threw all the things on my hand to the ground and i yelled.

I caught everyone's attention, then I tried to calm myself and bring the stuff out of the class.
And someone came to me and ask where will be her class during exam.
This further increased my anger level and I decided to remain silent.

I hate this.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT TO DO REVISION,

BUT CAN'T YOU JUST HELP ME WHEN I SEEKING HELP?

I MEAN,

CAN'T SOME OF YOU ALL VOLUNTEER YOURSELVES TO HELP ME?

WHY YOU ALL ARE SO SELFISH.
FURTHERMORE, WHILE I BUSY CLEANING THE MESS,

YOU ALL STILL WANT TO KEEP ON BOTHERING ME WITH

THOSE QUESTIONS OR THINGS THAT ARE NOT IMPORTANT?
连帮忙也没有，却一直给我找麻烦。

I do enjoy the time with my classmates,
but,
sometimes they are just making me mad.

#13

Getting more and more emotional recently.
I was noticed that I don't really belongs to the group.
And a chain reaction occur.
Which brings me deeper to my own heart.

There were few peoples who I realized,
were treating me great initially.
But now, they aren't there anymore.

I missed those times.
Where they will find me for chatting,
but not one-side-effort on building relationship.

There are no one now,
who will find me for some conversation.
Everything is one-side-effort.
I felt so tired.
And not all of them appreciate it.
I mean in the senses that,
treating me as a friend like how i treated them.

Looking at previous MsN chat log,
how can I being so childish,
ruins our relationship with it.

I just need someone to really bring me up,
or else i guess i will continue falls into a deeper hole,
I couldn't imagine how it will be.

As I saw her status,
You Are My Everything.
I stunned. Perhaps being in different class make us further.
I miss the time where we were in form 5,
sitting infront of you,
thinking of how can I make you to like me.
The time where I can see her everyday,
talk with her everyday,
love(?) her everyday.
Well, It was a past.
But thanks to this, I knew that in the inner part of my heart,
you are still exist.

#12

A gift, from someone special.
I wonder why she gave me that,
but I am so happy.
So happy.

It's rare for me to receive gift from others,
even a birthday gift.
But it's always an exceptional,
which colors our life.

I still can remember how it goes.

She asked me follow her.
To the office. Then she went inside.
She came out with a recycle bag,
passing me that bag,
and said,
''This is for you. I know you like music,
so I give u this music box.''

I stunned. I couldn't show any expression.
Speaking too..

She then praise me for being a good boy,
hoping for me to get a good result in STPM.

I said thank you.
Perhaps I got more things to say,
but it happen all in a sudden.
I was too shocked. and happy.

To Puan Tan,
Thank you. You are an awesome teacher. You cares about your students,
treat them like your child. Always bringing positive energy to the students.
I guess my mood is still not that stable until that happens.
You make me realized that there is someone who always cares about me.
I will appreciate the gift.

Perhaps in future people will ask why did I choose to join form 6?

I will answer sincerely,

To meet someone special, or more than one.

Who will brings you nearer to your dream. 

#11

My emotion are getting worse.
Although i didn't express it out,
but i can feel it in my body.
The inner self of mine wants attention from peoples.

I warn him,
'' Would you brave enough to face the peoples' hate towards you?''
He said,
'' As long as I can feel better, I don't mind what will happen in the future. ''
I said,
'' You are such a stupid. You know that's not gonna work. Let it go.''

He covers his ears with both hands, trying to be stubborn.
At the same time, he saw the picture that how the people stay away from us.
Sitting at far opposite side, not having any conversation in class, not having the usual lunch on friday,
anymore.

He then cries.

I took of my mask that I wore.
Scars found on my face. They are bleeding.
As I flipped over the mask, part of my skin were on it.

At this moment, I realized.
If you wear a mask for too long, your skin will combine with the mask,
replacing your face with the new mask.
And characteristic too. Especially emotion.

Being a clown for too long,
it's time to take a break.
I am mentally tired.

#10

I am annoying.
That's the reason people dislike me.
The only reason. Maybe?

I knew it so long time ago.
I always felt that, some of u all are always being ignored by other people.
Therefore, in order to make u all comfortable, i don't mind to become a clown.
I just wished that u will appreciate my effort...

Distance between us are getting further.
So do the group too.
It seems I am the extra one, the unwanted one.

What can I do now?
I have no idea. U all never understand how I felt now.
I am struggling between the option of being silent from now on,
or just be ignorant toward your action.

It's hurt. I tried so hard.
To become a friend of yours.
But, in the end,
results are always disappointing.

To be or not to be,
I still have to move on.

#9

For My.

I am glad that u are finally awake.
U did a good decision.
Take care of yourself,
and continue find you,
yourself a good people who
will appreciate you.

I can't determine which conversion are said with true heart,
and which are said just for consulting purpose.
Or even just for entertaining purpose.
I am getting tired.

#8

There are argument, fighting everywhere.
Including my own class.
Initially, I couldn't think that we would end up with a fighting.
Which she kept it for long time.
Feel so sorry for her, even though I can sense that,
she don't really like me.

Making a decision without telling others,
or discussing with them,
that's what we called unfair.

They fight.
And I am in the middle, Again.
Both side are my good friend,
or I should say,
my another family.

Just like back to the past,
fighting for a same issue,
it's dramatic, and even her characteristic,
is same to the girl in past.

Lack of attention, lack of love,
lack of trust,
and doesn't really like me.

Everything just like deja vu,
I am just being at the same position,
facing the same type of people,
and unable to help anyone.

Just like back to the past.
3 years ago. I guess?

It's too heavy for me,
when all the burden come at once.

#7

After so long, I am back.
I am greedy.
I wish for someone who really can read my mind,
and tell the others.

Putting on a smile on face,
doesn't really mean I am happy.
Sometime its just like a way to avoid.
Avoid questioning by others.

What is my new year resolution.
The very first essay for MUET during early of the year.
I want to become a good friend for everyone.
I wrote.

I was trying so hard to achieve it,
however it seems doesn't work well.
It ended up I feeling alone.
Over and over again.

I've always said by the others,
''you are a good people.''

I wish I do.
I wish it's came from your heart.
I can't felt any warm from this phrase,
anymore.